accidental attainment of solitude

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I woke up this morning at 4 instead of my usual 5 AM.

It was something about the crusty eyed glance at my watch betraying me.  I was sure that it said 5:15….past time, past time, past time….time to get up!

And then, when I was up and pondering why it was really dark and really quiet this morning, I noticed that it was also really early.

I guess you probably shouldn’t make life plans when you still have one foot in a dream.

I pursue quiet time like it was a treasure hunt.  I love it when I can choose when it’s quiet and peaceful around me.

So this early morning accident feels pretty nice.

I’m not sure if it’s a sustainable habit, though.  I’d be pretty tired if I kept getting up earlier and earlier to grab my chunk of peace.

There is only so much time in the day.

The thing that I’ve noticed, though, is that when I’m by myself now there is always the edgy feeling of “Where’s Jenny?  Where’s the kids?” if I’m at home alone unexpectedly.

I’m too old to be pulling a Macaulay…running through the house doing that hand/mouth scream thing he popularized…but that’s what I feel like inside sometimes when I come home and no one’s here.

( The Macaulay reference is one that would be good resume padding…it inspires confidence in an adult male to picture him running through the house, hands to mouth, screaming in surprise and fear.)

macaulayThis is the classic “careful what you wish for” situation.

Sometimes it’s “ohhhhhhhhgoshhhhh…..get off my back!  Quit climbing on my back…I’m trying to get some work done…quit!  QUIT!!! I’m….I’m….”

Sometimes it’s so crazy and wild I can’t believe it.  It is the anti-quiet.

I love quiet now.

But, good grief…I do miss the noise and frenetic activity when it’s gone.  It drives me crazy to be home alone with a quiet and empty house.

I think that parents know that quiet is what we’re all hurtling towards…faster than the speed of a mis-read watch.

We’d freak out if it didn’t happen at some point….”What do you mean, you’re never leaving?  Never?!”…but in the midst of the growing up it feels like they’ll always be around to climb up on our backs at inopportune times.

We hold on to these little guys like every tomorrow meant that the supply of tomorrows was everlasting and never-changing.

Maybe that’s why it’s so frenetic…it’s so we don’t freak out when we realize how fast the time is passing?!  We’re too busy to notice that it’s all going away because we’re too busy to notice…much at all.

Once again, I’ll repeat myself and say, “I don’t really know”.

It’s quiet in my house now.  At 5 in the morning, it’s still early enough that it’s pretty quiet still.

That’s nice.

(Another aside…I am really getting into elevator music lately.  I find myself thinking, “now…that was such a nice song…I remember that song”.  What’s that a sign of?)

What was I saying?  Oh…right….the thing about quiet these days is that it reminds me of how much I miss the noise.

Noise is my reality…frenetic activity is my life.

That’s nice, too.


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