Jenny told me last night that red licorice would give me cancer.

dangit.

DANGITDANGITDANGITDANGIT.

That must be what it feels like for a smoker, happily puffing away, really enjoying his or her vice, only to be told that the habit is going to damage them.

I was on the last half of a fresh container of red licorice, purchased at the “liquidation center” for two thin dimes, of course, and she told me that there was something about the red dye number 40 that had been proven to cause cancer.

wtf.

WTFWTFWTFWTF?!!!!!

Now they tell me….after I’m hooked?

IT’S A FAT FREE FOOD….CHECK THE LABEL ON THE PACKAGE…HOW COULD IT BE BAD?!!

So now I’ve got that to worry about.

I bought so many dimes worth of licorice, though…I’ll stop when I stop buying it.

I’ll stop someday.

I’ve got to google that red dye thing right now….I’ll be back….

(googling away….)

Awwwwwww….it causes cancer in ANIMALS!!!

ANIMALS!!!!

What do I have to worry about? It’s the animals who should cut back on the red licorice.

I think that I’m exempt from that.

Like the guy in the Elephant Man said….well, the actual “elephant man” said….

Red licorice is so good.

So good and so strange.

On the label, it says, “A fat-free food”.

It really should say something like “not a food”.

It’s some strange stuff.

I’ll chew it up….hold it in my cheek for a while to absorb some of the “red goodness” (I don’t know what flavor it is…strawberry? cherry? RED?)…but I never feel like it’s really breaking down like a normal food would.

I don’t know what happens to it when it’s in my mouth.

I don’t know what happens to it when it’s in my stomach.

It’s like eating a pound of gum…I don’t know what it does after I’ve let it enter my body.

But I’ll do it again and again.

I love red licorice.

Jenny really took the bloom off the rose though with her red dye comment.

Now I’ll always have that in the back of my mind while I’m chowing down on a new stale bag of cheap red licorice.

I’ll always try not to think of that while I’m stuffing my face with a new piece of red licorice.

I’ll think about all those animals getting sick because they don’t have any impulse control.

Who can blame them? It is an amazing “non-food”.

While I was googling the red dye question, I read that yellow number 4 causes hyperactivity.

Dnnnnnnnannnnnnnannnnnnnngggggggggggggitttttttttttttt.

Guess what I bought for my four-year-old last visit to the liquidation center?

A FAMILY SIZE BOX OF KRAFT MACARONI AND CHEESE (that was only days out of date).

You better call DSS. They’ll try and take him away from his bad daddy if they can catch him after he ingests all that macaroni food dye.

So what is safe?

Chilean grapes? Mexican lettuce? Chinese cherries?

I think I’ll keep my enemies close….and just keep chowing down on the beautiful non-food that they call red licorice.

Maybe I should just eat all my meals in the dark and not worry about it?